How do you forgive when you don’t understand?

Does forgiveness cost you anything?

Many situations continue to call into question my decision making processes. I am quick to hold on to ill-will, suppress feelings and move on or just find a way to forgive and forget. I hadn’t realized that forgiveness came in so many different levels, stages and layers. But how do you forgive when you do not fully understand how you got there?

The normal response to this question, is to ask more questions. You find yourself making an attempt to get to the root of the problem, but as the questions persist, the problem becomes a “you or I” problem. “How 🙀did it get this bad? Did I do something wrong? Were there signs that I missed? Could I have done anything different? ” There are so many questions, and so few answers. But one thing I know, is that ineffective communication is the root of evil in a relationship. The nature of the relationship doesn't matter; without proper communication, it is destined to fail. I am learning in my more mature self, that situations and sometimes trauma are gifts/curses that have shaped some of our communications styles and even with formal training on deck, it cannot disguise rooted issues. You can work through them, around them and even dig a hole to hide them but until they are dealt with, they will always be wielded as if a sword on fire when the need for attack is present.

Fight or Flight mode is real and will come into play when the inner psyche of one that has suffered trauma feels threatened. So even when it is subtle, a need to react Badass style will kick in and it will be no joke! So I ask the question again, does forgiveness cost and if so, what does it cost? This question is hard, it’s broad, and yup tough, for me too and I can debate it all day; but I dropped it here because I know like me, there is someone else holding this and trying to figure out the delineations between types of forgiveness, if there is even such a thing.

I’m convinced that some of us believe in the kind of forgiveness that is not for the other person but for ourselves; so we extend a level of grace. But what I want to know is does that forgiveness actually mean to forget and if not, is it true forgiveness? Is the slate wiped clean or is it forgiveness with stipulations? (Drop your thoughts in a chat or comment on this post. I would love to hear your thoughts.)

Let me pause and say that I understand that forgiveness can be given by one person to another to maintain a relationship; but (and this is a big BUT) forgiveness should not be a "law" that is played on to get what you want and yet it is done all the time. SO-Let me drop my question again, DOES FORGIVENESS COST? I keep asking the same question because the more I write and you read, I am thinking of parts of me that I may have to sacrifice (or have SACRIFICED) to truly forgive, which always leads back to my series of questions. How do I forgive when I don’t understand? Does forgiveness cost? And then I restart the list of root finding questions-making it a never ending cycle on repeat , and according to Einstein, performing the same ritual and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

So Queens….I would like to leave you with this:

1. If you forgive, make certain you are forgiving on your terms so there are no regrets and no shame.

2. Identify the gains and losses outside of the relief you will feel when the anvil is lifted from your chest due to forgiveness granted. Outline your list of gains and losses and decide if your profit and loss margins for forgiveness is worth it.

And Lastly!

3. Don’t do anything you don’t want to EFFIN do. You are Queens, dammit. Do not allow anyone to remove your status or tilt your crown. If your crown becomes too heavy, send out a war cry to your village of Queens and allow your person to hold it up for you and rest.

Until next time,

A.L.R