I am enough!!!!! No Imposters Allowed……

When I was younger I always wanted to sing in a church choir but we didn't go to church; you could imagine how that would present a challenge for a kid. It's amazing how many people I know now that were raised in church and I can't help but think "how is it that none of you lived across the street from me when I was younger?" It baffles me that I can't think of one weekly church goer, not-a-one, but I digress. What was my point? Oh yeah, I was telling you this because I wanted to sing.....

Now I knew I could hold a tune but there was something about the way people from church sang that made me insecure about my gift. Their singing was so heavenly. (You see how I did that.) It made me feel like the gift God gave me just wasn't enough.

https://youtu.be/jkbZWav4-qk

Later in life I joined the gospel choir at school, made some friends that took me to their church, and I even learned a few church songs; but nothing made me feel better about my offering. When compared to the sound that others could give, me and my singing remained inadequate in my eyes.

This feeling of inadequacy or not being enough became a root that dug itself so deep in my spirit that I carried that darn thing with me throughout my life. It remained with me throughout the remainder of high school, followed me to college and sat right next to me in my office as an adult. Pretending my rooted issues were leaves allowed me to pretend to pluck them away and talk myself up as if I was healed but then I would revert back to my old ways reminding myself of the patterns I've set for myself to achieve greatness to overcome "not being enough." It was a never ending cycle.

I always thought that it took strength to finally accept the reality of not being enough no matter how hard I worked, studied, excelled professionally, etc. I believed whole heartedly that coming to terms with this realization was taking my power back....It sounds even more stupid when I read it on paper. If that wasn't a trick of the enemy and every man that I took a job that he thought was his, etc.

I realized that when your self esteem is low and you operate on autopilot for years, you are brainwashed into thinking and accepting your sense of normalcy. Thank God I woke up. I'm sure this is only my truth but I hope it helps someone see outside of their box.

Fast forward to today. I have this affirmation app on my watch that must be connected to the universe or God himself because as soon as I'm going through something, it's like God says, 🤔 "I think she needs to hear this right NOW" and boop!.. 🫳🏽

my watch will bing and just like that..... knowledge DROPPED.

Welp, the other day I took a long ride on the struggle bus (y'all know you take trips on it every now and then, so stop it) because my hypochondriac behaviors were in full blown panic, about a bunch of shit, nonsense even! But you have to understand, I mean- I am unemployed (retired). I know you are reading this thinking I'm insane. Sure, I should be traveling the world, eating strange crap and learning new things. I've heard it all, BOOM-but how do you do all these marvelous things when you still have a family....Blah blah, right! Moving on......

I am not dismissing or writing off traveling and investing in yourself as a means of self care; I just have not mastered them yet, but I have set goals to identify ways to be kind to myself. I try to keep in mind that self care is not selfish. This is a lesson long overdue that I am learning at this tender mature age😂.I plan to make "me" a priority in this new season of becoming enough. How do you plan on doing that? I'm glad you asked.

• I take time first thing in the morning to set my intentions for the day

• I move my body daily whether that is a walk with the dog, yoga or a jog

• I recite affirmations that are chosen specifically for each day. I read them aloud and repeat until I believe them: I am enough, This job does not define me, Your gifts will make room for you, A fail just shows that you are trying-etc....

• I do my best to eat healthy but if I don't, I do not condemn myself; I just try again at the next meal. I never give up and say the day is a wash

• I focus on the positive aspects of the day and try to be thankful for those things

• I have made relaxing a priority and I am still working to make sleep a priority

For years, I have told myself that "Queens do not let their crowns slip". This was the main driver for me not believing that I was enough. I became the epitome of overworked, burnt out and underpaid for my worth, trying to ensure that this statement remained true for me. No matter my achievements, overcoming adversity in a male dominated industry, helping change the lives of others through mentoring and sponsorship, catapulting DEI to new levels of forward thinking etc. NOPE even with all that.....

......I still wasn't enough. I was the poster child for you need to do more and then maybe, just maybe......but I could never finish that sentence.

As the roots of inadequacy dug deeper, the different branches formed from family values, determination, grit and self worth became more visible.

While I continued to just think I wasn't enough I didn't realize that something inside of me was driving these feelings. This condition began with feelings of doubt and self worth but morphed into what is known as Imposter syndrome (IS). IS has many different forms and faces for many of us Queens who suffer and/or have suffered from one or more of them at some point in our lives. And I am not negating the fact that we as women (and if you are a woman of color, sheeeeeiiiitttt the double whammy) have not always had to work harder and smarter than our insignificant counterparts but I am talking to the Queens that are the extremist. Yeah, like me...lol😂

Disclaimer-The following list is not scientific or medical terminology but has been taken straight out of the Rodisi handbook. You may know of more or think what I've identified as IS is BS. If that's the case, I'd love to hear it. Drop something in the comments.

Also, let me know if you recognize any of these Queens sitting at their dinner tables or in boardrooms with your. We have:

1.The QSME- Queen Subject Matter Expert

2. Little Miss Perfect

3. Wonderwoman

4. The Soothsayer-knows all or will die trying to learn it

5. The Single Lady-needs no ones help

Do you identify with any of these personality traits? Yikes, No? Well get the hell out. This is for us not so perfect Queens that want to learn about other know-it-all, fuck-it-all Queens who are ready to take over the world. WTF...this is not pinky and the brain sorry.

I will throw an anonymous poll at the end to see how many we identify with because I assure you Queens, we are not in this alone, we can't be. Hopefully we will have some brave Queens out there that are willing to help us collect some data.

So Who Are They?

1.The QSME- Queen Subject Matter Expert-QSME knows her shit about what she does and she is going to be the best at it come hell or high water. There is no one person on earth in her industry that is going to out shine her in her lane because she is going to out work them, out study them, work longer hours, develop stronger reports and presentations all while getting paid less money...WTF. Now who's the asshole.

Next up?

2. Little Miss Perfect- LMP is the prim-proper-perfectionist that has to have everything done on time to her standard and/or trending so she has time to check and redo if it is not to her liking. She recognizes that she believes that there is no such thing as a perfect person, team or crew but she will die trying to reach a facade of perfection on the outside hiding the raggedy tragedy of a squad she has. If that means she does their work to ensure a successful outcome, so be it. Although this creates a level of professional success, it creates a raging war of anxiety and failure because she cannot operate in chaos. The thought of her facade crumbling or being unsuccessful brings feelings of failure and depression.

3. Wonderwoman-

Now she can do it all! Well she believes she can, anyways. She works all day and night and doesn't mind doing it if it adds to her success or her facsimile that there of. She believes in a team mentality and will stand beside her team doing her job and theirs to hide inconsistencies and weak spots rather than manage out. She is empathetic but a strong leader which makes her have to endure the war of the worlds raging inside.

She can do most jobs or built a strong team that is qualified to support all aspects of what is needed. These qualifications and others make her over qualified for her role but yet again she is underpaid and unknowing of her worth. She believes in the sustaining power of the grit she possesses which has allowed her excel in leadership positions.

4. The Soothsayer-knows all or will die trying to learn it- Now this Queen runs hot like Wonderwoman. She is running neck in neck on the overload track with her sister of Wonder. She drives her team bananas when she doesn't know something, however she claims she trust them to perform their job duties. Wanting to be the all knowing, she completely contradicts herself and turns around and expects them to reiterate all to ensure that she is always in the know. Ms. Know it All has a different desire, she wants to be taught as if she will be taking over the jobs of the complete staff and will spend a weekend, an overnight, whatever it takes to ensure that she remains abreast of all the inner workings down to unnecessary intricate details that are not needed at her level of management; but in the same sentence will declare disdain feelings about micromanagement.

Who's NEXT???? All the Single Ladies...

5. The Single Lady-needs help FROM NO ONE...It baffles me every time when considering the success rate of The Single Lady. She doesn't rock with the know-it-all or Wonderwoman to the extent of conquering the world, because she doesn't work well with others. However, she is perfectly aware that she can't accomplish her tasks in a silo but will not ask for help within the team when she is sinking fast. Her outward reach is long but she has 🐊 crocodile arms when considering reaching to her immediate colleagues to ask for assistance. Her insecurities will not allow her to let her guard down long enough to allow someone close enough that they may see behind her curtain. She would rather struggle through her task and crush it even if it takes, no sleep, extra hours, weekend hours, calling her mentees and she needs no thanks or atta-girls.

So Queens:

How many of the IS-traits do you identify with?

• 0%1
• 0%2-3
• 0%3-4
• 0%4-5

I will post the results a week from the date posted....

Until next time,

A.L.R