The Anxiety of it all. The Innocence of a Child’s Vision of life

What the EFFFFF? Yup, that’s the kind of day I’m having. Why the hell did they lie and say life would get easier? Most people begin to plan out their lives as early as when they are young girls. “I’m going to be a fairy princess and live in a castle and have dragons (I am Daenerys Targaryen) and burn them all“…what? That was only me..

Fine, you are a fairy princess and you live in a castle and there are birds, flowers and pretty shit..blah, blah, blah. Then you get older, and you build your first vision board. You have a fancy house, a bitchin’ ride and loads of money pinned right next to all your STUFF. But, you are a rapper, rock star or Whitney-before she was a crackhead (Is this just me again? Fine GEESH). Then you begin to really think about the first stages of adulthood and you build a life on your vision board. You add a more realistic home, and add colleges that assist in created goals that align with your socio-economic structures. You begin to look at career goals and attainable aspirations based upon your parents’ or family role models’ achievements. Based upon family dynamics, viewpoint on present or past relationships, healthy or toxic and/or childhood experiences, you may add a couple of kids or not, to your life board.

I can go on forever with the life/vision board restructuring process but the more relevant point/question is, why were our vision boards so different from those of the male inferior species from our generation? Why were we, as women preparing the same social and gender constructs that were ingrained in us, as if women haven’t taken strides in becoming stronger and more independent. I know that it has taken men (and some of us) decades to realize "Who Run the World" thanks Queen B, but DAMN. We are consistently selling ourselves short reaching for the top of trees rather then reaching for the stars as if they are unattainable. Some of us as children stood up in class and stated, ”I want to be the president”, when we really didn’t believe we could be Michelle O and still don’t.

UGH…before a Karen-if present, jumps the fence, cartwheels and runs to the bell tower with her bullhorn to yell to the world that I hate men and I’m a lesbian; knock it off! Are men shallow and small minded? Yes, but I am only stating known facts. And for the last time, I’ve already told you bitches that I will not explain myself in my own space, but I will not have you running around saying I’m a man eater (Hall and Oats). I need men to love all over this gorgeousness (this blog-bitch don’t kill my vibe) too. The shit I’m writing is for them as well as their partners. If they read this first maybe they will share it with them. Unfortunately, they may not like all of my content but they will never say it is not facts nor a valid argument.

I’m feeling the pressure…THE ANXIETY OF IT ALL….I’m getting to it…Geesh.

Although currently many of us find ourselves breadwinners in our families, our vision boards never reflected this dynamic due to institutionalized or generational brainwashing; you can pick your adjective. Depending on the family you grew up in your adjective will be different. Gender or sex roles insinuated that a woman’s purpose was to serve men to whatever extent necessary. If she was a career woman, her responsibilities of being a homemaker were not lessened in anyway; they were added upon her job. As work roles were redefined, responsibilities were never redistributed in the eyes of most male dominated households.

Although this fairytale, love story or whatever girls were brainwashed to believe it to be, was not a part of my up bringing, gender roles were well defined in my home. With my roles of women that I was briefly taught, my father was adamant that I was given a special set of skills (thank you TAKEN-come on, y’all don’t watch movies) necessary to assume whatever role needed in the moment. I was predominately raised by an Authoritative Alpha male ( A manly man) so my princess dress was traded for an Adidas suit, Top-Tens (Adidas-for my Queens that didn’t wear hightops) and a skateboard. Soon my Barbies became G.I.Joes. The confusing part was that my father’s expectation was that I remained feminine because being a tomboy was blasphemous but showing signs of emotion like a woman was weak. I know, what the F*ck does that do to a kid. My poor husband is married to a strong Alpha Woman who has just found her emotions as an adult. Yikes…(Pray for him)

Let me pause there……I always forget to tell the mind blowing part of the whole story. I was raised in a two parent household. Yup, I had a beautiful mother and an older Sissy who lived with us before my little brother was born. I know confusing. You could imagine how I felt when it was alway just me and him. We were like Chucky and the little boy-friends till the end.

One thing I can say about my childhood, come hell or high water, I know how to survive, with or without parents, a man, a dog, shelter, in the streets, in the wilderness; you name it, I will be good. My father taught me to be like the female MacGyver. I may not have learned to shave my legs until I was 19 and didn’t know I needed deodorant until I was 15 and when “RED-my girlfriend” came to visit for the first time, I thought I had internal bleeding. Sheeeeeeit but I could change a flat tire and pick a lock with chewing gum and a paper clip.How many of you Shady Ladies can say that? I know y’all were like “ewww she didn’t shave her legs or wear deodorant”. Shaaaat up!

Although I still tried to make it back around to my point of the Anxiety of it all, I still feel like this post was random as hell. Maybe I just felt like talking about me and my dad, who knows but I haven’t spoken to him in over a year-Plus. Queens, I told you, I only do what I feel is right for me. I drew a line in the sand because there is a level of respect that I require and desire and that includes from those that I love. Unfortunately I haven’t figured out a reason I should allow disrespect or my peace to be broken. If you think of one, that makes sense, I’d love to hear about it. If it’s dumb keep it to yourself.

Until next time my Queens, shine so bright that you pull someone toward your greatness. All of the goodness under that crown is not just for you. Pull someone behind you so other Queens will fall in line and if their crown should slip, we will be there to catch it.

Talk soon my Queens

A.L.R